tolong carikan aku kerja baru. sigh

harini aku dapat markah KPI (key performance index - sistem utk analyze perncapaian/performance staff kerajaan). sedey tol tgk markah yg aku dapat. tak berbaloi2. senang cite ; macam haram. 72 je overall . standard org dpt 90+. sorang kwn aku yg dok dept lain pon sedey sbb dia dpt sikit. sikit2 dia pon 80+.

aku malas nak rant lelebey. yelah aku sedar memang lembs skek aku wat keje. tak capai target statistics. dh nama org baru start keje. still in learning process. tahap skills pon basic. byk bende kena blajar lagi kot utk mnjadi effisyen. tapi yg hangin, bila keseriusan aku dipertikai. ok fine, waktu start dulu, 2 bulan pertama byk main - pastu da kene sound aku double effort lah. juling mata mngadap PC. datang awal keje sbb nk build momentum/focus. keje aku ni cataloging buku. maka harus particular. dan aku mmg particularlah - rekod buku lain (yg xmasuk statistik) pon aku tolong 'bersihkan' so that data dalam sistem cun. tp worthless sume tuh. sbb dia tgk FIGURE only; no consideration to other matters. ......... eh kata xmo rant? ok, fine. pendek cite, bwhni antara markah2 kriteria yg aku rasa nk cakap WADDAHEL kt muka org tuh. u know who

(perlu diingatkan markah standard ialah 9 or 10)

KERJA BERPASUKANMemupuk budaya kerja yang prihatin dan mesra, bekerjasama dengan rakan sekerja dan mendapatkan maklumat dengan menghargai idea dan kepakaran orang lain secara tulus serta sedia untuk belajar daripada orang lain.

markah : 7/10

wadde...tolonglah, I AM LEARNING. of koz evry day i would be more than willing to seek knowledge. yg selama ni aku dok constantly consult with my mentor tu ape kategori apa? and I DO APPRECIATE her help, haruslah.........da org ajar kita satu -satu. nk suruh bagi present ke?

KEPIMPINAN/PENYELIAAN
Keupayaan dan kebolehan menggembleng segala sumber dalam kawalannya seperti kewangan, tenaga manusia, peralatan dan maklumat bagi merancang, mengatur, membahagi dan mengendalikan sesuatu tugas untuk mencapai objektif organisasi.

markah: 5/10

oh, jadi aku xpandai guna facilities, colleague's assistance lah...hmm..mungkin aku patut disseminate kerja so boleh capai statistik? oh wait... i work alone remember. my KPI is solely based on cataloging (not managing, handling staff, conflict etc), so how shud i adhere to this, sweet boss? u tell me now

PROAKTIF
Merancang dan melaksanakan sesuatu tindakan dengan cekap dan berkesan.

markah: 5/10

tak cekap. tak berkesan. tak effisyen. kerja xlengkap, halai balai, banyak salah. sebab == staff baru?

KREATIF DAN INOVATIF
Berusaha secara aktif untuk meningkatkan program, bersedia untuk berubah dan menerima perubahan serta sentiasa berusaha melangkaui sempadan ilmu untuk mendapatkan pengetahuan yang baru.

markah: 5/10

ni macam dah tegur still ketegaq takmau berubah. dan baloq liat nak cari ilmu baru. like HELLOOOOOOOOOOO

dont u fuckin see my improvement?????u got my monthly statistics kan. go figure lah. yes i used to be malas. but i learnt my lesson 4 months ago & i seriously tried to meet the job challenges. why cant u see that????

ahh nati sambung blk.

--tensi sbb i need a good cry on this matter tapi air mata xmoh keluar. aghh--

unforgettable moments

there are tons of happenings (most of which very fond ones) throughout August and September. hello, it's kind of the highlight of a Muslim kot---
#of ramadhan - posa, buka posa,
#of syawal - raya, open houses, family gath, family outing, family day =>>>>, weddings
#of post-syawal - working life reawakening (pengalaman mensentapkan erkk), weddings some more, open houses some more

tapi sangat takde masa nak mngarut. well, ada sbnr nya, tapi rumah sewa takde wifi, and I'm not using smartphone yg enables online kan. jadi tinggal time office hour ygmana tidak berpatutan utk menulis blog - spt skrg ni, curi masa sat; oh sgt tidak baik ye rubi -

and time balik rumah kt penang pon xsempat. berjimbaan dgn family was more exciting than mengadap netbuk writing. andddd i did travel a lot during those short vacations. busy busy busy!

hence the 1 entry for August. and the 18965 unwritten memories in it. uhuk uhuk

hati sentuh

lagi entry psai peralihan angin actually.

well, time2 neves, kebingungan, kerisauan & kesedihan bercampur baur ni, mmg sensitip skek ye.

hmm...just had a chat with a friend (the uum girl, yg nani kata 'hawau' tuh hehe). we talked about how could we save living in kl. after much whining and sighing, she said "kalu hang ddk ngn pakndak hang smp aku msk uia okla, nnti aku dh register hang ddk ja bilik aku tu, xpyh byr sewa umah"....."aku nktolong hang ja, mula dok kl mmg seksa"

aku ni la. kalau org buat jahat ngn aku, aku bley wat keras ati. tp pantang org buat baik, mula rasa sebak.







sori friend, i had thought badly of u.

beralih angin (total rant&depressing thoughts)

omg neves gel

mmg dasar semua benda nak neves. tambah lagi la nktukar angin ni. lagiilaaaaa......

paling neves:
~ mana nakcari rumah sewa
~ transpot (rumah-tmpt keje........i really hate my driving-fearing-self right now)
~ new job environment & jobscope (like, colleagues' xpectations&hospitality&friendliness, or mcmana kalo depa soh travel somewhere, keep moving here and there [did i tell u the job title is PEGAWAI PROJEK, hello??apakah?knapa x ordinary librarian?] => ok, berbalik kpd ketakutan driving, dhla pusat kl)
~ sampai bila kena keje kl, i'm so lah kampung girl ok. i hate traffic jams, tolls at every roads/streets, congested areas, expensive mknn etc.

kesedihan:
~ parting from Nyenyet.....will she recognize me when i'm back home this Raya?...wont be able to hug&kiss her once she wakes up / b4 she goes to sleep anymore...padahal itulah rutin harian sejak ada baby kt umah. will miss her sweet baby smell...cuddling her to sleep...the toothless grins...the 'ta ta ta ga ga ma ma ba ba ge geh'...the cute wailing...the nonsensical sense of humour...the soft body...the dainty fingers...omg i need to hv my own baby right now
~ parting from mom n dad.....talking tru phone xseseronok face to face
~ parting from tilam (not bantals, since i'll be taking them together, harussss)
~ parting from home (cooking, lepaking, total security that u feel when u're within ur comfort area with ppl who u love, who wont stab u, whom u can depend on, where u can b at total ease)
~ parting from the LAIDBACK LIFESTYLE yang telah terbiasa selama half a year ini huhuhuhu

huhuhuhuhhuhu

interview for librarian post: questions to ponder on

here are some questions that I remember from the interview with the UM last two weeks. starting with the one that brought the most stinging effect to me

question: why don't you further your Phd? you can become a lecturer
what i answered: i feel that i dont have the expertise to focus on in writing the theses, so i'm not confident in doing it yet
responded question: u're giving me the impression that once we've given u the training, u'll do your PhD and leave the the library to become a lecturer
me: (fcuk. why did i say that before)...em, actually i'm not interested in teaching, thats why i chose MLIS and not MAESL....

(why why why did i respond with this! i shoud have said stm like: completing a doctoral degree doesnt solely mean that u want to be a lecturer; it is one of the ways to become an expert in certain fields. wouldnt it be a benefit to the institution itself if they have an expert in a particular area? i could become an asset to this library instead)

question: have you ever been to the libraries in any other countries? if you're given enough revenue, what radical changes that you can do to your library
me: change the appearance, upgrade the environment...like having a mini garden in the library, as well as great toilets (yup, i've SAID this. uhhh)

question: what do you think of opening the library 24h? give pros and cons
me: quite ok, it's good especially for those who're doing a research

question: these days, people rely so much on the internet as their first source of information. how can you attract people to come to the library and retain them there
me: i can say there're 2 approaches to this. 1) if we cannot physically pull them to the library, we go to them; that is by developing a virtual library. 2) by being able to provide all materials and assistance needed by the students, like having liaison librarians who really really are an expert in that field and would be able to guide students from A to Z in their study and information retrieval. (duh... if only my words were as organized as this)

question: if there's only 1 vacancy, why should we hire you and not the other persons
me: (I REALLY HATE THIS QUESTION. dont u know how hopeless i m in boosting myself?) err..i'm a very curious person, (....yeah, like, THAT is your most valuable trait ke rubi oiiii) so i'll be willing to learn new things...bla bla...comfortable to work individually and in team...bla bla...


overall thought:

i was clumsy in the interview, there were three candidates with experiences there, so i wouldnt put much hope then. huhuhu

Bila sedara dekat mau kenduri

dekat = dari segi pertalian darah dan geografi (first cousin + sebelah rumah)










memang penat
tak caya?
tengoklah pukul berapa ini entry di published,

iaitu selepas selesai dengan triffle untuk meja pengantin
dan kutip pekakas yang tersadai tak basuh
tu pon ada lagi yang besar2, tak kuaso den nak perabeh semuo ha

tapi ngak apa dong
kerna itu cousin baik banget sma guwe
guwe seneng banget sma dia
guwe cuma kaget, gimana kalo bisuk, guwe ngak bisa punya energi lagik
gimana mao layan tetamunya ya
lagian, kerja lainnya juga mao diberesin
waduh




ohwatdahelamIblubberingabout
ciao
dem majlis ialah esok esok esok bukan lusa tulat tungging...knape aku sdar jam awal2 tadi huhuhuhuhu

p/s: moral of the story: berbaik-baiklah dengan saudara anda, mereka pasti akan rela & senang hati berkorban untuk anda

tanda2 penuaan

haritu kawan baik aku kata when we're nearing 30s, we'll start having pre-menopausal symptoms. dia cakap time period dia sakit perut perut pelik, lain sikit ngn senggugut yang dia besa kena. mcm sakit ya rabbi gitu. pastu dia tanya aku "ko ade tak jadi mcm tu". aku jwbla "ntah. takde plak.besa2 je" (dgn sdikit nada riak sbb rasa body youthful).

pastu.
kali ni
xdela xsenggugut pon,
tapi berlaku sesuatu yg aku xpernah alami selama ni
sakit pinggang ni mak oii Ya Rabbi....perasaan macam engsel berkarat yang stuck tegak.


nkgerak, tunduk, pusing semua menyeksakan. tunduk ambil kasut sakit, nkpusing belakang sakit, nak pakai spender sakit, nak alih kedudukan tido pon sakit pinggang gak. duduk pun kena tegak, takboleh membongkok. nkgerak alih badan kena slow mo

Adehhh sengalnyee

terus aku teringat keluhan sorang lagi kawan baik aku - dia rasa macam org tua GILE sbb sakit2 pinggang time datang bulan.
kalau begitulah hendaknya,
nampaknya aku juga...........

MENUJU puncak PENUAAN 

uhuk uhuk uhuk...
(baiklah, berazam utk dapatkan khasiat susu omega+ sejak esok)

kalau dah tiap kali

adala sorang mak mentua kepada mak sedara aku ni. pakai tudung labuh. peramah. rajin. mak sedara aku yg aku rapat tu pon mmg senang dgn mak mentua dia nih. tapi makcik ni (or tok cik?) setiap kali jumpa aku mesti nk komen psl fizikal aku yg x mcm adik2 aku yg selim melim tuh. SETIAP KALI. kadang2 nada lawak. selalunya nada tulus dgn niat mengkomen. maka hari ini sebab telah fed up aku pon dgn pasifnya berkurang ajar membalas 'ye la dlm keluarga ni sapa lagi yg gemok mcm aku ni kn' (nota: 'mcm aku ni kn' ialah sayup kedengaran ketika retreat utk ambil kuih kt dapur. tapi still AKU ok)

uh oh...adakah itu statement yg hebat, mediocre atau lemah? tula sapa suruh mak aku xajar cara2 berkurang ajar secara berhemah, kn. aku dr dulu xpandai bab2 retaliate/membidas scr efektif ni. kalo bahas je msti aku yg sakit hati xdpt pangkah kata lawan. mgkn sbb tuh aku xamek law time mengaji dulu.

kembali ke studio, aku nakkkkkkkkkk sgt bagi ayat power spy makcik tuh stop harassing my weight. i already EMBRACE my condition tp it gets boring tau tak. n aku xrasa dia nk abstain from doing the same thing nxt time. habit la tu, kecualila tiba2 aku me'ngurus' which is lambat gila lagi la kowt.

anyways. what i want to say is people sometimes really know how to bug others' lives whether intentionally or not. in this case, the key is SETIAP KALI. mcm sorg kwn aku ni setiap kali jmp kwn2  dia yg single akan tanya 'ko bile nak kawen ni/ko bila lagi'. setiap kali main2/puji2 ngn baby dia akan cakap 'ha, boleh/layak dh tu'. samala mcm kwn aku yg sorg lagi, tiap kali famili gathering, anak buah dia (yg muda setahun je & baru pas kawen) akan tanya 'che' su mu bilo nok nikoh niiiiiiii...xsaba nok tggu/bakpo tggu lamo2nyaaaaa' . tak ke membunuh mood kalo camtu. dan kalo dah tiap kali kau dok ulang buat/cakap mende sama, mmg mengundang reaksi kurang ajarla kn

agak2 dia layan rap tak

tadi mak masuk bilik
aku ingat dia nak chek aku tgh batpa pastu kondem (slalunya kalo conscious aku akn ttp semua windows yg lagho2 dan tinggalkan yg err.. kurang lagho)
so td aku pon konon2 bkla Word konon2 nkstart buat esemen kwn dia (da abes blajaq pon still kna wat esemen org, sungguh tekanan.  n sungguh xley pakai graduan OUM ni HAHAHA sila terasa)

neway, aku lmbat start mmgla partly sbb skenyee keje las menet, tapi....bnyak kot paper budak kna tanda. 4 kelas tuuu. org lain 2 kelas ja. slumber buli aku yg bergelar gantian ni je.
stop whining. terus kpd cita mak tadi.

pastu dia stat mukadimah

anak mak ni dh besaq (senyum2)
ok. awkward. waddahel. kalo intro cenggini tak lain tak bukan....
nk tanya ni, ada kawan dak...
aku dh agak dahhhh
tongtangtongtang ada org tanya tongtangtongtang so tula nk tnya kalau ada tongtangtontang..dak aih..mak bukan nksuruh jadi terus, ya la org2 la ni kna knai dulu...tongtangtongtang
(dan seterusnya sampai habis hajat dihatinya sambil diselangi oleh eeeaaaoooiiiaaa aaa my in denial rengekan keluhan dan sesalan)


maka amekkau rap seketul:


MAK MAK MAK
TAK PERLU SEKARANG MAK
AKU BYK KERJA MAK
ESEI LAGI DUA KELAS XTANDA MAK
ESOK DH NK MASUK MARKAH MAK
ESEMEN CHU N KWNMU AKU BELUM SETAT MAK
LUSA DH NK HANTAQ MAK

O MAK MAK MAK
KAU TAHU AKU BKN MULTITASKER SGT MAK
TAU TAK MESTILAH AKU AKAN PIKIR2 MAK
WHY U TELL TELL ME MAK MAK
BKN KAU TAKTAU SBB SANGATLAH NAMPAK KOT MUKA AKU GAYA ANAK PLESIT SERABAI DOK WAT KEJA
TAPI KAU MMG JENIS XLEY SIMPAN MCM AKU JUGAK KAN MAK
WHY U TORTURE TORTURE ME MAK

U MAKE ME WANNA STALK EVALUATE ANALYZE DAT DAT..DAT..DAT AGHH...MAK!
U SHUDVE KNOWN I'M SO LAH FULL OF CURIOSITY MAK OI
ABES KEJA AKU MCMANA MAK
WHY MAK WHY NOW
WHY JUST RITE AFTER I DECIDED TO STAY UP ALL NITE 4 D ESEMENS

OH BARU TRINGAT, KNAPA TADI KAU TNYA BERAT AKU MAK
AGH AGH AGH MAK O MAK
RUPANYA SBB KAU NK DESCRIBE AKU KN MAK KN
SGT XPERLU MNYENTUH ISU MY THE VERY LIGHT WEIGHT KOT MAK
SAMPAI HATIKAU MAK




jadi begitulah. now back to bisnes.

i know! sangat takperlukot tyme2 neh. lagi 3hr je pon nk weeken nkbitau pape pown

ok ok ok da byk buang masa, sila  postpone reaction
now ialah masa utk tetpkan minda
FOKUS! siapkan esemen! esok smbung chek ketas! i can do it! yes i can! i'm good at writing! m good at finding info!  m good at last minute work! m good at repeking! m better than good!



...nak rait ketas ke nk wat esemen....

tak paham. kami akan engkau

antara perkara yg paling menyedihkan adalah tak bertegur sapa dgn keluarga sendiri. walau serumah. bkn sbb gaduh. bkn sbb tak puas hati. myb sbb awkward. sbb xbiasa bertegur sapa. xbesa pandang mata.

sedihnya rasa bila mereka yg diikat dgn darah diletak nombor dua. ka nombor tiga?lima?sepuluh?

mgkn lupa. diakhirnya yg terikat dgn darah nilah yg xkn paling, yg xkn buang, yg xkn putus.

God even said that treating ur family/relatives is more rewarding than upon others.
family-relatives-friends-strangers
thats the hierarchy of priority. not the other way around. memberi kepada serta menggembirakan keluarga tu kan lebih utama & mulia

hmm...utama ke bila pandang muka pun xbisa?
kenapa ? salah siapa? salahkan ego kita? hebat sangatkah kita?

kerja oh kerja di mana kau kerja

i'm panicking

its almost 3 months and still with no job. ok mmg la aritu jd cikgu ganti sekejap but i'm talking about real permanent job in which why i took (that particular) MA for - well because i want to change my path because i'm tired of being an english educator want to experience new things tp knape aku ckp psl ni padahal nkbitau otak yg sdg tensen sbb smp skrg takdek pon company yg acknowledge aku pnh anta resume ke dorg.

huh
should i further my phD plak?
tp haruslah akn kna dependent on scholarship pastu kna jd lecturer jugak...adoi
oh did i mention why tak suke tak suke tak suke jd educator?
omg banyak kot sbb musababnya tp sbb oleh kerna da dkt 3am so mau titoq dolu nxt time bley wat entry reasons of why i hate being a teacher

so mari tidoq dgn doa "ya tuhan bukakanlah pintu rezeki untukku dan kurniakanlah aku apa yg terbaik untukku" aamin

office.life.is.b.o.r.i.n.g

today was the fist day of my fieldwork training at the public library.

ohkay, it IS a library, but seriously, i wonder whether they've left their sense of humor/gossip girl mode at home.

the dept was freaking dull, and the person dat i talked most to was Ms. MyOwnHead. the workers there were not ur usual stereotypical gov.service people u've planted in ur head. they didnt stop to chat or have like the tenth times of coffee break or even facebooking. they just worked and kept working.

i mean, this is ONE day for me, and i already feel like it's been a MONTH. how can they work like that? sure, there're not much choice of ur jobscope or task etc, but we do own LIPS to enlighten our working day. and thats what having a roomful of known people for - to trade jokes, stories of our own life, experience etc. surely its not sinful to be LIVELY, aite?

o lifeless life - none for me, please. ohshait. 59days to go

life drama: kabeer au sogheer

'dh kawen ek'
'wow'
'u're HOT (stare +/- sneer)'
'i like ur body, u hv, u know - (add hand gesture) big chickenbreasts ' [kidding-minus the chicken op koz]
'kwn awk ada boyfren?....kwn awak tu cantekla...'

seriously, those are among the uninvited comments that i got from hving generous assets. some of them were more than once. the last one was from an alim-looking 70s pakcik wth a kopiah who asked my fren about me while i was talking to d phone in a half-packed bookstore. (i tot he's in his 70s coz my dad in his late 50s ialah tak nmpak uban di kepala tp pakcik tu uban penuh di kepala n misai) btw pakcik, kopiah tu wat cebok ayaq kt jamban kot..

i still remember this one time during my first day @a school (i was a contract teacher).
ckgu A(female): ni xxx(my name), dia ganti xxx ajar xxx
me: (friendly smile)
ckgu B(male,30s,married):oo ajar xxx, dok mana?
me:bla bla bla...
ckgu B:da kawen?(nada 'u seem like u are')
me:(tekulat, tp cover diri) ah? belom (eyes down.innocently)
ckgu B:oo emm.. (cover)
me: (inwardly cursing. hey, i took lit for my degree, i was trained to read between the lines, to spot the language connotations and denotations. btw, like i didnt notice u're checking my ahem2 just now?)

adoi males...airhead males...find urselves a wife/wives/wh*** la to unload those tadpoles so u wont be horny like 22/7 (assuming 2 hours of CLEAN sleep) stop disgusting my species ok. or better go fcuk urself and die.

oh, females can be stewpidly insensitive too. do u think i dgn sronoknye pumped these mountains and proudly carry them around?KAMMONN LA

now whats with teeny tiny boobadeeboos---well a friend told me its embarrassing cause it feels like u're a kid, or not female enough. mcm kesian but lemme tell u aa- bigger is worse. call me ungrateful, but i'd rather have a smaller set. well at least u can always use padding to create the illusion. but for the likes of me, no matter how many layers we put on, they can nvr be concealed. and people just wont stop screening like u're an emotionless object.

and becoming emotionless i am. thanks to those numerous remarks, my skin has become thick enough to endure the stares/mocks/critics/comments etc. but seriously people, ur thoughts are uncalled for, keep 'em to urselves

am I envious?

cant help it, but deym I am~~

particularly of their busy and happily married esp parenting life

of their hectic working and paid life

of their thick pockets/bank acc. notes

of their curvaceous build

of their fair complexion

of their 'happening', fun-and-always-meeting-circles

nearing the 26th year of my life, yet it feels like im far far left behind

~laying out all inferiorities for the first entry. lame and depressing as usual~